i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
