how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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