anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
