oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
