i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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