How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
