I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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