College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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