i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
