Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
