I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
