Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
