I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
