the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
