I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
