The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
the raccoons are back...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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