Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
