I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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