i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
