you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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