I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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