I wannas sexs uuuuu
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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