oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Green mimosas i think yes
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
