I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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