I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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