rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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