I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
