Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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