At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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