i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
