Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
