meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
