I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
