Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
