My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize