Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
