I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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