There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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