you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
