I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
