By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
