Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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