so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
