checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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