I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
ugly people sure do ruin things
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
