Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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