Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
