I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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