it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
