she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
