Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
