the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
