I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize