I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
