Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
