If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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