D3 body, D1 cock
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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