erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
