My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
