Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
No subtext here. People are naked.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize