i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Randomize
