i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
