i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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