Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You are the jesus of drinking
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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