I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
