i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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