made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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